Disenchanted.
That’s fair. No fucking way. Why are my parents such asswipes?! I want to cry right now. I didn’t get to go with my friends and hang-out during Halloween today. Part of me just wants to die because, I know it’ll just get worse–my parents being control freaks and all. But then if I die then I can’t make the world a better place.
I guess in a way though a part of me did die. I offically hate my parents. I want them to die. Honestly and truely. I don’t care if I’m left as an orphan, I can’t physically take this anymore. I like I’ve said before, it’ll only get worse. Why? What did I do to deserve such awful and unmoving parents? I’m trapped in my own household by the people who are supposed to be loving and caring. How the fucking are you showing love and affection by keeping me here in this goddamn house. That’s not fair…Swallow those tears and pull to darker days…Hm, those could be very promising lyrics actually…
Choke Me.
Haha, I can’t believe I liked Eri. Wait, let me take that back because–I never really did in the first place. Yeah, yeah, whatever. Looking back, I think it was only because I didn’t like someone so I needed someone close to me to–I don’t know, think about in a way?
But yeah, now that the “crisis” is over: my new semi crush is…Austin?
Love You To Death
How do you tell someone you like them and, you aren’t sure how to tell them? And the person you would normally go to with this question is the person you like? **Sigh**Maybe, if I just ask and not tell her if she wants to know who it is…That might work. But I’m not doing it today, tomorrow. I can’t tell Eri I like her now, I don’t want this to become a problem and it make me freak out on the plane, after the plane ride–during lunch. Yes, I’ll call her. During lunch, if I get out on the plane before 1145 their time, I’ll call them and–I’ll ask her.
I just couldn’t help myself. When she was laying in her bed today…it wasn’t like I had images or anything, I just had this feeling of want and desire watching her. I know it sounds kind of wierd but, I would love it if I could…um, kiss her? Ugh, there, I said it. **Sigh**Eri, if you’re reading this…I’m sorry?
And I don’t think it helps it that she told me news about my old crush has a common interest with me. Ugh, what’s wrong with me?!
I Put The ‘Metro’ in Metronome
What on with me today, eh? Nothing of absolute worth, expect the fact that I think I like two people…no, three, at the same time. Ahaha, I’m such a whore. My best friend, a guy I’ve known for two years that’s been a complete ass to me and someone I’ve known for three years through band but haven’t really talked to until recently. Wow, I have some real issues here. I mean, I can’t like three people at the same time, right? That’s just slutty and whorish…
But to change the subject [[I think]]: tomorrow Channing is going to the Fall Out Boy concert and, hopefully my shirt will be graced with the uberness of Pete Wentz and Company. Oh, and it’s my last day at Johnson for the quarter, Thursday we’re leaving for DC. **Sigh** I don’t want to leave, not after the epic conclusion I’ve reached with myself, not after coming to terms with who I may or may not be. I wouldn’t say I’ve reached a low point but, when the first person you semi-come out to are people you don’t even know…?
So, maybe I am bi…I don’t know. I mean, I’m not going to kill myself over the fact that my parents might not be too thrilled with the decision but, you have to take some type of risks in life and this is one of them. But I’m not going to tell them anytime soon, not until I’m sure. I want to be absolutely sure that I know what I am before I break the news to my beloved parents. All they want to talk about is the “politcally correct way” but, I don’t know if they’d be excepting to me if they aren’t towards just normal regular people. They always say: “Teach people as you want to be treated.” Well, is that how you’re going to treat me if in fact I am bisexual?
Yikes, they’re coming so–bye!
Poetic Tragedy
Ugh, why do people always make life so hard and overwhelming for me? First I’m seeing Berg all over the place today and then Eri just ask who I like–out of the clear blue? And, I mean, I over analyze everything a little to much but…Whatever, she doesn’t like and I don’t really like her so: stop fucking worring about it Gossi!
I’m such a fuck up, I haven’t practiced my clarinet in ages and my lesson teacher can see it. I hate dissapointing people close to me so, I’m going to practice my ass off Tuesday and Wensday and all next week when I get back. It’s kind of like yesterday when Uncle Pete came up to me and asked what was going on. I had this “panic attack” over it because, it saddened me that my uncle cares so much about me and asks me what’s wrong when–I myself don’t know. It’s not like I’m going around telling people who ask, “Yes, something might be dreadfully wrong with me: I think I like my best friend so that makes me either bi or lesbain, I get these constant fits of discomfort when something bad or overwhelming happens in my life and–my parents can be a pain in the ass most of the time.”
But It’s Better If We Do…
So…last night I had this incredibly weird dream:
I was walking in SixFlags and like, no one was there except it looked like it was in the afternoon. Anyway, I’m walking and then Eri just suddenly comes up from behind me with Robert in tow and starts jumping up and down saying, “OMG. OMG. OMG!” So I’m like, o.O<–okay? and she keeps doing it. Then, we’re like, walking, and I guess we’re in the Spanish part or whatever. Anyway, we’re there and then she just grabs my hand by this one ride and…starts making out with me?
Um, yeah, awkward right? It’s like, I don’t like my best friend, ew! But still, I just couldn’t help and think…No, let’s not even go down that road Gossi.
Same Shit, Different Day
As usual, shit seems to follow me everywhere I go. Okay, so maybe this week wasn’t so bad but…it had it’s ups [[since I'm trying the optomistic route]]. So um, couple of the month is Ryan and Brendon of Panic! Yeah, yeah, I know but–I have a new love for Panic! At the Disco and have seen them in ways I didn’t know could be seen. That’s right folks, I’ve fond a new set of RP logs [[a total of 54 parts]] so, I guess it’s keeping me occupied. After this I think I’ll read Part 18, unless, my parents are done watching their movie.
Why is it that I feel so empty and alone all the time? Like after “Alice” was over, I could probably name half the faces in the crowd but then, why did all the faces seem so frightening and judging? Oh, and I don’t think it helped that my dad was late to pick me up so as people were walking down the steps from the back of North I felt like people were thinking, “Poor little girl, I bet her dad is to distracted with some type of drug problem or something of the sort.” …So maybe I’m paranoid but, I swear, I had another “panic” attack. They’re happening more often, especially since Eri told me her dream:
Erin and me were on this plane right, but it wasn’t an ordinary plane–supposedly it was really huge and had the one ride from Hurricane Harbor that’s like a spirally cone. Anyway, so we see Robert there and Eri starts talking to him and I guess in the process I get seperated from the two. Anyway, while they’re in line the water from the ride starts to turn black and everyone starts running and screaming because the plane is going to crash. Some how Eri and Robert get in the airport safely but, she can’t find me.
Now, of course, it’s just a dream but I couldn’t help and think–isn’t this going to happen soon? Eri’s not going to be there for me and, quite honestly, it scares the shit out of me. Without Eri, how am I? Sure, we may have our little fights but, we always get over that because we understand each other so well. Who else am I going to talk to about Kill Hannah or Pete Wentz/Patrick Stumph smut to? Who’s going to listen to my endless rants about my controlling parents? Where’s my shoulder when I need to cry on it. Exactually, it’ll be gone after this year. Gawd, the shear thought scares me. I need Eri, like, seriously. I don’t care how whiney or attachmental it seems, Eri basically is me. I’m almost dead without her. I love her, like a sister, so in a way, it’s like my big sister is going away to college and I’m stuck at home; alone. And, you know, maybe there are some times I do love her more as a friend and sister but–she’s my kinky bitch, who else do I have?
I am kind of mad though that she took those pictures of her with the lollipop thing. I know she’s not going to tell me everything in her life but I mean, if she was really that bored then do something more productive–not taking whorish pictures. I’m sure she didn’t mean it in that way but, it wasn’t like I was hurt, just confused on why she didn’t tell me first. Was she ashamed? I hope not, she knwos she can tell me anything and that won’t judge. Whatever, everyone needs to keep their own dirty little secrets so…
Aren’t we the little screw up? Why was I so stupid on Wensday during the assembly when Erik made room for me in the stands and I just shrugged him off. That was my chance, my moment, my opening and-I completely missed it. And maybe it’s just me but, it looks like he feels like he missed it to. After that it seems like he’s been in stalker mood because, everywhere I turn, “Oh! There’s Erik?!”
Parents are being fucking gay so, I’m getting off for the night. **Sigh** I guess I won’t be able to read that RPLog until later on tomorrow morning [[as in like...1 o'clock in the morning XD]]
xoxo,
Gossilyn Wentz
My Heart ISN’T Yours
Ah, what a little skeaz Nick is. You know, I offically don’t like him and am right about my recent observations–I only liked Nick because Erin was going out with him and he was taken. What makes Nick a skeaz? The girl he asked out before Erin is now his girlfriend. It’s like, rebound much? And the thing is, the only reason they didn’t go out the first time he asked was that she wanted to get to know him so, if this is true and ExN had went out for 13 days then, when has Nick found the time to talk to this girl? Unless, he was cheating on Eri in the first place, which makes him an even bigger skeaz. Dude, that is so not cool to hit on your new gf when your ex is right there. I mean, Eri said she didn’t care but, I just can’t help but feel sorry for he because this is he second boyfriend and this lasted shorter then Josh last year. Sigh, it makes you wonder.
In other skeaz news, Berg is such a little one. I’m in the hallway after fifth period but before sixth waiting with Channing ’cause we walk with Matt, Eri and Katilin and anyway-he’s loking right at me while hugging Jordan “Suck”Aycock. I mean, I don’t think I like him anymore but still, that’s pretty low–if you want to talk to me then just do, don’t go around hugging random and notoriously slutty girls right in front of me.
Yeah, so school was undramatic for me besides those two things. We talked about flavored condoms before school started. That was so funny and random. There were Skittle, Chocolate, Shit, Snake, Turtle , etc. flavored ones. Haha.
Ugh, I have my monolouge to do for drama tomorrow so I’m signing off early to check all my fourms and to read some smut.
xoxo, Gossi Wentz, xoxo
And So…
Erin and Nick have offically borken up so I should be happy, right?
